Parents Imparting Discipline & Heritage
Fairy C. Hayes-Scott, Ph.D., editor
Nora Martin, Ph.D., consultant
Table of Contents
|Comments by the Editor||i-ii|
|Structure of Book||iii-iv|
|Color Me Black! by Jacqui Calloway||4|
|Overview of Pre-School And Kindergarten||5|
|Leroy Lafayette Lawton--Pre-K||6|
In Sickness and In
Lesson Learned: How to Refrain from Using Inappro-
priate Language ("Dirty Words")
|Being Like Big Brother
Lesson Learned: How to Deal with the Frustration of
Not Being Able to Do As the Older Sibling
|Karena Elise Jones--Pre-K||12|
|Spock Was Not Working
Lesson Learned: How Not to Disregard Totally House
|The "He Woman" of the House
Lesson Learned: How to Curb Aggressive Behavior
|Children Are Not Always Color Blind
Lesson Learned: How to Deal With a Negative Racial
Comment Made by Ones Peer
|Brione Renee Thompson--Pre-K||18|
|Pride In Ones African-American
Lesson Learned: How to Appreciate Ones Blackness
As a Multi-Racial Child
|Discipline Away From Home
Lesson Learned: How to Conduct Oneself in the Public--
No "Cuttin The Fool" in Public
|Whos Been Sleeping In My Bed?
Lesson Learned: How to Cease The Desire To Sleep
in Mommys and Daddys Bed
|Michael Carlos Stephenson--Pre-K||24|
|Instilling Pride in Heritage
Lesson Learned: How to Appreciate Ones African-
|Borrowing Without Telling
Lesson Learned: How to Save for what One Wants
Rather than Steal
|An Ounce of Prevention Is Better
Lesson Learned: How to Overcome Ones Fear of
|Wailing Wanda by Cheyne R. Scott||29|
|Overview Of Grade Group 1-3||30|
|Leroy in Grade Group 1-3|
Lesson Learned: How to be Honest Even If One May
|Karena in Grade Group 1-3||33|
Lesson Learned: How Not to Act Like a Spoiled Brat
Among Ones Friends
|An Eye For An Eye or
Turn the Other Cheek
Lesson Learned: How Not to Respond Violently After
Being Hit by a Playmate
|Brione in Grade Group 1-3
The Non-Sharing War Must Stop
Lesson Learned: How to Share
|Slam It Just One
Lesson Learned: How to Lessen Door Slammin and
Eyes Rollin Behavior
|Michael in Grade Group 1-3||40|
Lesson Learned: How to Become More Orderly During
the Morning Routine
|Mattie and The Rope by Cheyne R. Scott||42-43|
|Overview Of Grade Group 4 & 5||44|
|Leroy in Grade Group 4 & 5
What It Means to Be A Friend
Lesson Learned: How to Be Loyal To Ones Friends
|The "Village" Teacher and I
Lesson Learned: How to Cease Disruptive Classroom
|Karena In Grade Group 4 & 5||48|
|I Know I Can!
Lesson Learned: How to Persevere to Achieve a Goal
In Spite of What an "Authority" May Say
About Ones Ability
|Give a Person Enough Rope and...
Lesson Learned: How to Wait for What One Wants
Rather Than Steal It
|Learning About "Curfew"
Lesson Learned: How to Respect Parents Designated
Time for Coming Home
|Brione In Grade Group 4 & 5||54|
|A Nine-Year-Old "Ms. Queen"
Lesson Learned: How to Assert Ones Independence
in a Respectful Manner
|Send A Letter to Brione
Lesson Learned: How to Accept with Appropriate
Behavior and Responses the Fact that One Will
Not Always Have Ones Way
|Michael In Grade Group 4 & 5
Television Watching--Parent Teaching
Lesson Learned: How to Distinguish the Difference
Between TV "Heroes" and TV "Morals"
and The Heroes Who Really Exist and the
Morals of Ones Home
|Under the Influence
Lesson Learned: How Not to Let the Rude Behavior
of Ones Friends Be So Influential in Ones Life
|Simone Learns Responsibility by Cheyne R. Scott||63-64|
|Overview of Grade Group 6, 7,
|Leroy In Grade Group 6, 7, & 8||66|
|Why Cant I Hang Out?
Lesson Learned: How to Accept the Rules for Going
Out As Set by Ones Parents Without A Lot of Protest
Lesson Learned: How to Discover Ones Hidden Talent
and Cultivate That Talent
|Karena In Grade Group 6, 7, & 8||70|
|TLC and Homework
Lesson Learned: How to Recognize the Importance of
Doing Ones Best in School
|Prevention of the Spoiled Child
Lesson Learned: How to Appreciate the Fact that
All are Not as Fortunate
|Brione in Grade Group 6, 7, & 8||74|
|No Work, No Play
Lesson Learned: How Important It Is to Complete
Chores Before Going Out to any Activity with Friends
|The Story Teller
Lesson Learned: How to Recognize the Importance
of Not Betraying a Trust--Be Honest
|Michael In Grade Group 6, 7, & 8||79|
|Community Service and Personal Growth
Lesson Learned: How to Realize Ones Responsibility
to Participate in Community Service
|Unfashionable Frank by Cheyne R. Scott||82-83|
|Overview Of Senior Teens--Later Adolescent||84|
|Mr. Leroy Lafayette Lawton--Senior Teen||85|
Lesson Learned: How to Remember Ones Homework Assignments
|The Missing Jacket
Lesson Learned: How to Put Up Ones Clothes
|Ms. Karena Elise Jones--Senior Teen||91|
|"Everyone Is Going!"
Lesson Learned: How to Screen Activities Before
Asking Parents If One Can Attend
|Our Daughter, Ms. AT&T, MCI, &
Sprint, Reaching Out
Lesson Learned: How to be More Responsible with the Telephone
|Company Comes; Home Training Leaves
Lesson Learned: How to Behave Properly When
Friends Visit Ones Home (In other words,"No Acting Out")
|Ms. Brione Renee Thompson--Senior Teen||96|
Lesson Learned: How to Limit Ones Cadre of
Activities and Honor All Commitments
Lesson Learned: How to Balance the Need to
Socialize with the Need to Study
|Two Left Wheels
Lesson Learned: How Always to Depend on the Power of Prayer
|Mr. Michael Carlos Stephenson--Senior Teen||101|
|At Home and Not Working
Lesson Learned; How to Balance Ones Outside
Activities with Ones Home Responsibilities
|Family Conference--A Benevolent
Lesson Learned: How to Recognize Every Action
Has a Consequence
|A Look At Our Children After Senior Teen||105-106|
|Part II: Rites of Passage|
|Rites of Passage--The Journey
|Development of Curriculum||114-120|
|The 1996-97 Participants Profile||120-121|
|Rites of Passage Commitment Ceremony||121-123|
|Calendar of Events||123-125|
|A More Detailed Look At Every "Journey Stop"||125-136|
|Arrival At The Destination Point
May 18, 1997 Rites of Passage Ceremony
|The Journey Ends: A New One
History (African-Canadian Heritage Tour)
|Evaluation Of The Journey||147-149|
|Part III: Activities for Children of All
Goals and Objectives
|Grade Group Activities--1995-1996||152-154|
|Grade Group Activities by Category--1996-1997||154-155|
|Grade Group Activities by Individual Grade Groups||156-159|
|Appendix A--Do You Really Know Your Parents?||160-161|
|Appendix B--Do You Really Know Your Teen?||161-162|
|Appendix C--Map of African-Canadian Heritage Tour||163|
|Appendix D--Rites of Passage Evaluation Form||164|
|"The Artist" by Christine Stewart||165|
|Our Mission--A Statement by the
of the Ann Arbor Chapter
|Ann Arbor Chapter of Jack and
Jill of America, Inc.
1996-1997 Family Roster
|"Family Is Constant as
the Ever-Changing Seasons"
by Fairy Cesena Hayes-Scott, Ph.D.
|Part I: Scenarios of Our Childrens Lives
A Closer Look at the Scenarios
The scenarios parents shared with me mirrored the behavior of any normal developing child. The incidents may not be the exact replicas of those that you may have experienced with your son/daughter or niece/nephew or grandson/granddaughter. However, they are probably not so different. The personae are so very similar. Thus, after reading these scenarios, I began to see personalities develop. And so, with these personalities four different characters began to take shape--two boys and two girls. They are:
Leroy Lafayette Lawton--youngest of three children. He has an older sister and brother. He is the mischievous one. He is the product of a single-parent family. His parents divorced when he was one.
Karena Elise Jones--an only child. She is headstrong, determined, independent, and a "tester of the waters" type. She is the product of a two-parent family.
Brione Renee Thompson--the oldest of two girls. She is much more subdued than her female counterpart Karena. Still, Brione does have her moments. She is the product of a single-parent family. Her parents divorced when she was eight.
Michael Carlos Stephenson--an only child. For the most part, he always seems to have direction. He is quiet, yet very sociable. He is the product of a two-parent family.
Their parents will share incidents about their childrens lives. Although the names and some of the circumstances are changed, still, each scenario is about a situation which actually occurred. The method of discipline was actually employed to cope with the situation.
As you see Leroy, Karena, Brione, and Michael, you will probably see your own youngsters. Possibly, you will even see yourself when you were a child. The important feature is that these four youngsters are regular kids. They are not incorrigibles; they are not "poster children" for a TV talk show discussing the doom and gloom of "bad" kids. And their parents are no more gifted in the art of parenting than you. However, it is parents like us, you and those who share their scenarios, that help raise loving, productive citizens. These scenarios and the explanations for why certain disciplinary methods were successful serve as guides for the true "experts," those of us who live, eat, and breathe our children every day of our lives. And for the most part, we do not regret this role as parents. Yet, we are very humbled every day by our "teachers"--our children.
It is very important that readers understand how this book is using the term "discipline". In this work, discipline does not only imply the effort to eliminate negative behavior. These scenarios illustrate that discipline has a dual meaning: 1) action taken by an authority (in this case, mainly the parent/s) to discourage inappropriate behavior and 2) action taken to instill behavior which will develop strong self-esteem and survival strategies to deal with whatever the world presents in the childs life.
Now, let us begin. First, we will see the experiences of the parents of Leroy Lafayette Lawton as told by his Jack and Jill mom when Leroy was a Pre-K youngster. Then, the Jack and Jill mom of Karena will share her experiences with her young lady at this same age level. Next, the Jack and Jill mom of Brione will impart her words of wisdom. Finally, the Jack and Jill mom of Michael will share her moments coping with Michael as a Pre-K child.
Subsequently, as we change grade groups, the same order of progression for discussion will continue. What should be most apparent is that no matter how overwhelming things may look the parent and child continue to grow and survive. It is consistent firmness and taking into account the personality of the individual child that make each method of discipline effective. And above everything, each child knows s/he is loved--the key ingredient for successful parenting.
There will not be a narrative continuum. Instead, the scenarios are presented as if the moms and, sometimes, dads are sharing them as individual experiences. Thus, the "make-believe" parents will not become the significant characters by having their voices developed in the narratives. The focus is the children--the invented characters which so well reflect the real children of so many parents.
Karena in Grade Group 1-3
The Non-Perfect Hostess
Our daughter was celebrating her seventh birthday with about fifteen of her friends. Thrilled at being the center of attention and feeling that she was the celebrity, she began to treat her guests rudely. When warned that her behavior was inappropriate, she replied, "I guess theyll have to go home if they dont like my behavior." However, "bratty" behavior has never been well tolerated in our home. It ranks between cod liver oil and fingernails on a chalkboard. Immediately, I began to strategize a means to modify the behavior.
My wife, in her calm and matter of fact tone, explained to our daughter, "Oh no, sweetheart, the OTHER children have all come to our home as invited guests. They are anticipating ice cream, cake, and Dr. Doolittle, and that is what they will receive. It is unfortunate that you have decided not to be a gracious hostess, and, therefore, you will not be able to participate in the festivities."
After a brief sojourn in her room, where our daughter was able to reflect upon the days events, she asked if she could return to the party in progress. We allowed her to return, but with a clear understanding of her responsibilities as hostess. She understood that to have invited guests in her home for a party is a privilege and that privileges require her to behave responsibly toward others.
The parents in this situation correctly make it clear that the party will go on, with or without the non-perfect hostess. The daughter, during her reflection period, could be given the responsibility of thinking of ways she could share with her guests some positive competitive games they could play.
An Eye For
An Eye or Turn the Other Cheek
It was recess time for the second grade children. Children were happily playing on swings, bars, and with balls. It was my daughter who was playing on the monkey bars. She enjoyed climbing, balancing, and pulling herself up. For awhile she had this apparatus to herself, which suited her just fine. All this changed when another student decided she, too, wanted to play on the monkey bars. Not wanting to stay on one side of the monkey bars, this student decided she wanted to cross. Coming close to my daughter, she shouted for her to move. Seeing no reason why she should, I suppose, my daughter shouted back obstinately, "No!" Thats when it happened. The other little girl slapped my daughter. My daughter was shocked. I was surprised that it happened while I was standing right there. Not knowing quite what to do, Karena came to me.
I knew there were two lines of advice that I had to offer: 1) Tell her to hit her back, and 2) tell her to tell the teacher. I could give her the advice I was given as a child. Another option? I could use this as an opportunity to put into practice some of the thoughts on reducing conflicts and violence that we had discussed earlier that week. When I was a child, the advice was "hit her back, beat her up, and she wont mess with you again." Such altercations always meant a physical fight. There would be tears, bruises, and ugly words. There would be a crowd that would gather around for the spectacle. There would be a proclaimed winner and loser. The winner would remember this was how one should handle conflict, and the loser would remember not to get beat again. No one predicted the stakes would rise, and weapons would become more deadly. The advice was still considered sound, "its just that things have changed." I chose the second alternative.
Fortunately, for her and me, it worked out. No one waited for her when the bell rang or came looking for her with a crowd. The other student lost her recess that day, and it never occurred again. It was over as quickly as it began, just as it should have been. Play resumed.
It is a difficult thing seeing your child being "slapped." The parent in this situation was rational and positive. The child who initiated physical contact received the appropriate punishment, and the second grader learned how to share school equipment. Most importantly, everyone involved learned the best method for eliminating increased violence.
Brione in Grade Group 1-3
War Must Stop
When our children were young, we often found ourselves caught up in disputes when it came time for them to share. Getting them to share an apple or piece of candy inevitably resulted in one or the other child claiming that her sibling had received the larger piece of cake, more raisins, etc. This bickering even spilled over into playtime, such as when it came time to divide up Lego blocks, crayons, etc. My husband and I found ourselves having to mediate before another world war broke out.
One day, after such an instance, we decided to put this challenge to peace back into our childrens laps. From then on, when it came to share, we would allow one child to do the dividing and the other would have first choice of the divided item. "You cut; I choose" became the rule.
You would be amazed at how precise in measurement and egalitarian our children became. No more rush jobs on breaking a popsicle or an Oreo cookie. And the good thing was, for the most part, it allowed our girls to begin to problem solve and to see the value in being fair.
It Just One More Time
I would be open with my child. Id prove to the world that all you needed was an education to rear a child. I soon learned that was only partially true. If I could just be as good as my mom. As I got older, she got wiser. My daughter once decided that she had to let me know and everyone else know whenever she was angry. So she would stomp up steps and slam doors. I also got a lot of mumbling and eyes rolling. I thought I would ignore it. I felt she needed to express herself. My mother laughed at me. "Train up a child in the way she should go and when she gets old you can be proud of her," she said. She always had these phrases "just keep a livin "or "youll understand it by and by." I thought I understood it, then. My little angel would change all by herself. She was only six years old.
My daughter, finally, pushed the button one evening. I really didnt want to spank her. I felt that spanking would only make an angry child worse. I did realize that this behavior had to go. So I had her slam the door fifty (50) times to get her frustrations out.
Her arm was tired; my ears were shot. Yet, we both learned something. I could be her friend, but I, also, had to be her mother. Later, my mother, daughter, and I had a great debate about creative discipline. I, finally, got it. And I really began to understand what it took to discipline--creativity, guidance, and firmness.
Parents need not question--to spank or not to spank?--instead ask yourself, "What am I doing that is effective?" All children, especially young children, must see responsive parents/adults "upset" and "angry" at a certain behavior. When creative punishment is necessary, we still love them--not the negative behavior.